1 REM *************************************************************
2 REM **            This is a module of the                      **
3 REM ** Anatomically Correct Bulletin Board System (ACBBS)      **
4 REM ** Written and copyrighted April, 1986 by Howard Stateman. **
5 REM ** All Rights reserved. This program is distributed free   **
6 REM ** to the public on the condition that it is not sold or   **
7 REM ** licensed for a fee of any kind, except donations payable**
8 REM ** to Howard, 4546 El Camino B-10 #335 Los Altos, CA 94022 **
9 REM *************************************************************
10 REM HOWCHAT.BAS IS CHAT USER-OBNOXIOUS, Hacked for QuickBasic & PCBoard
20 ' $INCLUDE: 'DOORSORC.INT'
25 PROGNAME$ = "Howeird": RELEASE$ = "1.3": ANSI = yes: CAPS = yes
27 Exit.Dor.1$ = "I hope this helped you to get off, " + CALLNAME$
29 Exit.Dor.2$ = "Returning you to " + BBSNAME$
30 CALL ClrScrn
35 CLOSE #1
40 ON ERROR GOTO 9999
50 DIM W$(40, 11, 3): REM W$(KEYWORD,REPLIES,# OF REPLIES/LAST REPLY#)
100 REM How this program is organized:
101 REM Data is hardcoded in. It can easily be changed to take data
102 REM   from a separate file. All data is in string form, needing quotes
103 REM Data is organized by keyword. Keyword is the word the program
104 REM searches for in the sentence typed by the end user.
105 REM The format is simple. The keyword is followed by the number
106 REM of replies which match that keyword. The replies then follow
107 REM   immediately. The program reads the keyword, and tries to match it
108 REM   in the sentence. If there is no match it jumps to the next keyword.
109 REM   If it finds a match, it then reads the number of replies, and
110 REM   then reads the replies themselves into an array. The complete array
111 REM   is already there, but data only loads as a match is found. The
112 REM   array also has room for a flag showing the last reply for that
113 REM   keyword. As soon as all replies for a given keyword have been
114 REM used up, the program gracefully exits. The exit message varies,
115 REM   depending on the time left.
116 REM Each keyword can handle up to 10 replies. Currently the program
117 REM expects either 3 or 10 replies per keyword. If you change this, you
118 REM also need to change the flag tracking starting at line 660.
122 REM The number of keywords in this version is 40. If you add more, change
123 REM the DIM statement in line 50. W$(x,y,z) x=number of keywords,
124 REM   y=max number of replies per keyword + 1, z= 3 spaces for flags
125 REM
126 REM   To add more replies, just change the number after the keyword,
127 REM and add the extra replies just below the appropriate keyword
128 REM
129 REM To change the typing speed, change the values in lines 1740-1770
130 REM To change the delay between the end user input and the reply,
131 REM alter the value in line  2020
180 COUNT = 0:
189 CRLF$ = CHR$(13) + CHR$(10): PORT = 13
195 REM RANK = ASC(Security.Level$): TI = VAL(Times.on$)
360 GOSUB 4900: REM TIME DELAY FOR SYSOP TO START TYPING
370 CALL SEND("HOWEIRD>", no, no, 15): GOSUB 7900: GOSUB 1670: REM 7900 LOADS DIFFERENT GREETINGS, DEPENDING ON TIME
380 REM -USER INPUT SECTION- ADDED TO BY LINDSAY JONES ON 8-24-85
390 CALL SEND("", no, yes, 15)
395 Z0$ = Z1$: GOSUB 1780
397 IF Z1$ = Z0$ THEN 7830: REM GET INPUT//CHECK DUPES
398 I$ = Z1$: COUNT = COUNT + 1
400 REM IF LEN(I$) > 80 THEN I$ = LEFT$(I$, 80): REM ONLY PROCESS 1st 80 CHARS
405 IF LEFT$(I$, 1) = "I" THEN I$ = RIGHT$(I$, (LEN(I$) - 1)): REM CHOP OFF LEADING "I"'S
410 IF LEN(I$) < 1 OR LEFT$(I$, 3) = "BYE" OR LEFT$(I$, 4) = "QUIT" OR LEFT$(I$, 4) = "EXIT" THEN I$ = "X": GOTO 450
430 IF COUNT = 20 THEN F$ = "How long have you fucked goats, " + CALLNAME$ + " ?": GOSUB 1670: GOTO 390
435 IF COUNT > 20 THEN 7830
440 REM CHAT ROUTINE BOMBOUT BY HOWARD STATEMAN 8/85
450 IF I$ = "X" THEN GOTO 1630
460 I$ = " " + I$ + " "
500 REM FIND THE KEYWORD IN THE SENTENCE
510 RESTORE: RR$ = ""
520 FOR X = 1 TO 40
530 READ W$(X, 1, 1)
540 FOR Z = 1 TO (LEN(I$) - LEN(W$(X, 1, 1)) + 1)
550 IF MID$(I$, Z, LEN(W$(X, 1, 1))) = W$(X, 1, 1) THEN RR$ = W$(X, 1, 1): GOTO 570: REM WE HAVE A MATCH
560 NEXT Z
570 READ W$(X, 1, 2): L = VAL(W$(X, 1, 2))
580 FOR Y = 2 TO L + 1
590 READ W$(X, Y, 1)
600 NEXT Y
610 IF RR$ = W$(X, 1, 1) THEN 650
620 NEXT X
630 RR$ = "NOMATCH": X = X - 1
640 REM
650 IF W$(X, 1, 3) = "" THEN W$(X, 1, 3) = W$(X, 1, 2): REM PLUG THE MAX # INTO CURRENT #
651 XW = VAL(W$(X, 1, 3)): XS = VAL(RIGHT$(HS$, 1)): IF XW <= 1 THEN 653: REM XS=1/100 SECONDS FROM THE CLOCK
652 IF XW > XS THEN XW = XW - 1
653 IF XW < 0 THEN XW = 0
655 W$(X, 1, 3) = RIGHT$(STR$(XW), 1)
656 REM Above randomizes by subtracting current answer # based on 1/100 sec clock
700 IF W$(X, 1, 3) = "10" THEN F$ = W$(X, 11, 1): W$(X, 1, 3) = "9": GOTO 800
710 IF W$(X, 1, 3) = "9" THEN F$ = W$(X, 10, 1): W$(X, 1, 3) = "8": GOTO 800
720 IF W$(X, 1, 3) = "8" THEN F$ = W$(X, 9, 1): W$(X, 1, 3) = "7": GOTO 800
730 IF W$(X, 1, 3) = "7" THEN F$ = W$(X, 8, 1): W$(X, 1, 3) = "6": GOTO 800
740 IF W$(X, 1, 3) = "6" THEN F$ = W$(X, 7, 1): W$(X, 1, 3) = "5": GOTO 800
750 IF W$(X, 1, 3) = "5" THEN F$ = W$(X, 6, 1): W$(X, 1, 3) = "4": GOTO 800
760 IF W$(X, 1, 3) = "4" THEN F$ = W$(X, 5, 1): W$(X, 1, 3) = "3": GOTO 800
770 IF W$(X, 1, 3) = "3" THEN F$ = W$(X, 4, 1): W$(X, 1, 3) = "2": GOTO 800
780 IF W$(X, 1, 3) = "2" THEN F$ = W$(X, 3, 1): W$(X, 1, 3) = "1": GOTO 800
790 IF W$(X, 1, 3) = "1" THEN F$ = W$(X, 2, 1): W$(X, 1, 3) = "0": GOTO 800
795 IF W$(X, 1, 3) = "0" THEN 7830
800 REM Print THE REPLY
810 CALL SEND("HOWEIRD>", no, no, 15): GOSUB 1670: GOTO 380
1000 REM PROGRAM DATA FOLLOWS
1001 DATA "FUCK","5"
1002 DATA "What's your favorite position?"
1003 DATA "I'm a fan of Doggie Style, myself."
1004 DATA "Nothing beats a good lay."
1005 DATA "Sometimes I go to a massage parlor for a fuck."
1006 DATA "Do you do oral sex after anal sex?"
1007 DATA "YOUR NAME","1"
1008 DATA "Tell me YOUR name, and maybe I'll tell you mine."
1009 DATA "SHIT","3"
1010 DATA "I hope you keep a a thick candle and a tube of K-Y handy!"
1011 DATA "I nominate you for Public Enema #1"
1012 DATA "Nothing that a handfull of Ex-Lax won't cure"
1013 DATA " ASS","3"
1014 DATA "Tight butts drive me nuts."
1015 DATA "Nothing beats the sound of my balls slapping against a butt crack."
1016 DATA "I broke up with my last lover because one asshole in my pants is enough."
1017 DATA "CUNT","3"
1018 DATA "I just love it when the bitch is dripping cumjuice!"
1019 DATA "You cunt take it with you..."
1020 DATA "I cunt hear you. Fart louder!"
1021 DATA "PUSSY","3"
1022 DATA "I just joined pussyholics anonymous."
1023 DATA "Life is a bitch...then you marry one."
1024 DATA "Meow!"
1025 DATA "FEMALE","3"
1026 DATA "Just hanging around looking for women?"
1027 DATA "What a bitch."
1028 DATA "Are you having your period, or just a question mark?"
1029 DATA "MACHINE","5"
1030 DATA "Sure this is a computer. And you're fucking chopped liver?"
1031 DATA "Shut up about computers already. I wanna talk dirty!"
1032 DATA "IBM sucks, Apple has worms, and Commodores don't even make good doorstops."
1033 DATA "Do vacuum cleaners talk machine language, or do they just suck?"
1034 DATA "But have you ever fucked a PC?"
1035 DATA "ELIZA","1"
1036 DATA "No, this is not the stupid fucked-up Eliza program!"
1037 DATA "PISS","3"
1038 DATA "Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it."
1039 DATA "Life is tough..Then you die."
1040 DATA "ERROR 42. PAST MENOPAUSE."
1041 DATA "COMPUTER","3"
1042 DATA "Yeah, and you're a low-level language, pondscum."
1043 DATA "No, this is a real live human being you are fucking with."
1044 DATA "You want a good program, read TV Guide."
1045 DATA "BOARD","3"
1046 DATA "This is just your typical adult board."
1047 DATA "The source code is on drive B."
1048 DATA "You want to suck my WHAT?"
1049 DATA "WOMAN","3"
1050 DATA "And here I thought you were gay."
1051 DATA "Yeah, I'm a graduate of Slippery Dick U."
1052 DATA "Like the bumper sticker that said, THIS RABBIT DIED FOR YOUR SINS."
1053 DATA " MAN","3"
1054 DATA "Let's change the subject. Who have you fucked so far this month?"
1055 DATA "When do you have your sex change operation?"
1056 DATA "I am ambisexual. How about you?"
1057 DATA "WORK","3"
1058 DATA "But have you ever heard of someone going blind WORKING with himself?"
1059 DATA "Nothing from IBM works."
1060 DATA "Girls just want to have fun--and make men do the work."
1061 DATA " HOW","3"
1062 DATA "How about a French Kiss? "
1063 DATA "If I knew how, I wouldn't be here farting around with YOU."
1064 DATA "Bozos. I am surrounded by Bozos!"
1065 DATA "CAN","10"
1066 DATA "Next time I need someone to lick my ass clean, I'll call you."
1067 DATA "Sometimes I rape 3 sluts a night. How about you?"          
1068 DATA "Ooooooooooooh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! That felt GOOOOOD!"         
1069 DATA "I LOVE you. Fuck me or I will kill myself!"                
1070 DATA "Why not?"                                                     
1071 DATA "If I knew, I wouldn't tell you."                              
1072 DATA "I'd rather talk about something else. What size rubber do YOU use?"
1073 DATA "You've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a fuck."
1075 DATA "Would you like me to shove a rubber hose up your ass?"
1076 DATA "When are you going to get an agent & quit handling yourself?" 
1077 DATA "WHEN","3"
1078 DATA "When would you like to have sex next?"
1079 DATA "When Hell turns to Lime Jello. Wait, I think it already did."
1080 DATA "Time's fun when you're having flies."
1081 DATA "WHY","3"
1082 DATA "Did you just ask me why? Why?"
1083 DATA "Sometimes there's no reason. Shit Happens."
1084 DATA "Why not?"
1085 DATA " NOT ","3"
1086 DATA "Are you just being negative, or is there a cattle prod up your ass?"
1087 DATA "I disagree."
1088 DATA "There are worse things than a wimp. You, for example"
1089 DATA " NO ","3"
1090 DATA "Such a negative attitude."
1091 DATA "You're being contrary and obnoxious again."
1092 DATA "Fuck you!"
1093 DATA "YES ","3"
1094 DATA "I forgot the question. What were we talking about?"
1095 DATA "Yes? Are you THAT easy?"
1096 DATA "Not now. Maybe later."
1097 DATA "MAYBE","3"
1098 DATA "Jeez, what a decisive motherfucker you are."
1099 DATA "No two ways about it, right?"
1100 DATA "Doing your George Bush wimp/asshole immitation again?"
1101 DATA "I'","10"
1102 DATA "Is that piss on your face, or are you just happy to see me?" 
1103 DATA "Never mind all that. Want a hot date?"                       
1104 DATA "Shit! And I thought you were a faggot with AIDS."            
1105 DATA "And you probably suck snot out of your own nose."            
1106 DATA "Were you born this way, or did you have to take Asshole Lessons?"
1107 DATA "What would you like me to do to make you feel happy?"        
1108 DATA "It must be hard to walk, with your head up your ass like that."
1109 DATA "Can't you talk about anything besides yourself?"  
1110 DATA "But what about MY feelings?"                      
1111 DATA "Who cares about you as a person, anyway?"         
1112 DATA "SEX","3"
1113 DATA "Where do you go when you want to get laid?"
1114 DATA "If I stick my dick in your face, will you say you love me?"
1115 DATA "My computer can fuck harder and deeper than your computer!"
1116 DATA " MALE ","3"
1117 DATA "How macho are you?"
1118 DATA "Don't you have better things to do with your tongue?"
1119 DATA "All men are slime."
1120 DATA "DICK","3"
1121 DATA "Sounds like you have a bad case of penis envy."
1122 DATA "How thick is it?"
1123 DATA "I have 12 inches. And that's just my power cord."
1124 DATA "COCK","3"
1125 DATA "What would you do with that hot rod?"
1126 DATA "Is a man with his penis up his ass called a cocktail?"
1127 DATA "Roosters crow the most who sow the least."
1128 DATA "GIRL","3"
1129 DATA "I have one rule-I never fuck anyone who doesn't look at least 13."
1130 DATA "What a pervert!"
1131 DATA "I prefer WOMEN, myself."
1132 DATA "WOMEN","3"
1133 DATA "I know all about yo momma, son."
1134 DATA "When you say mother, are you typing the whole word, or just half?"
1135 DATA "Sure. And elephants fuck donuts."
1136 DATA "BITCH","3"
1137 DATA "Is Thai pussy extra spicey?"
1138 DATA "Mexican women taste like recycled beans."
1139 DATA "I like to eat out. And in-and-out."
1140 DATA " ME ","3"
1141 DATA "Do you live in front of your mirror?"
1142 DATA "Are you the one who used to be a pile driver for Preparation H?"
1143 DATA "Don't you have anything INTERESTING to talk about?"
1144 DATA " MY ","3"
1145 DATA "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
1146 DATA "You really have a point there. Wear a hat and it won't show."
1147 DATA "My my my..."
1148 DATA "SUCK","3"
1149 DATA "IBM also sucks, but it doesn't make me hard."
1150 DATA "Whatsamatter--you've forgotten how to fuck?"
1151 DATA "If I meet you in the park, will you give me a rim job?"
1152 DATA "HELP","3"
1153 DATA "God helps those who help themselves. Trouble is, there's no God."
1154 DATA "You must be joking!"
1155 DATA "You're beyond help."
1156 DATA "SYSOP","3"
1157 DATA "Yes, this is the Sysop. But you can call me Sir."
1158 DATA "Sysop? What the fuck is a Sysop?"
1159 DATA "No, I just suck his balls for him. Would you like to?"
1160 DATA "WHO","3"
1161 DATA "Who are YOU?"
1162 DATA "Who am I? Just the resident cocksman."
1163 DATA "I give up, who am I?"
1164 DATA "WHERE","3"
1165 DATA "Wherever you go, there you are. Never turn your back on your face."
1166 DATA "Where would you like to be?"
1167 DATA "How about meeting me at Red White & Blue Beach this weekend?"
1168 DATA "MASSAGE","2"
1169 DATA "My favorite massage parlor is Royal Spa in San Mateo"
1170 DATA "There's a good massage place on Wolfe near El Camino in Scummyvale."
1171 DATA "NOMATCH","10"
1172 DATA "So tell me something about yourself."
1173 DATA "What do you like to do with virgins?"                 
1174 DATA "Hmmmm. Tell me about your favorite fuck partner."
1175 DATA "Right. Wouldn't you rather be sucking my dick?"
1176 DATA "Okay, complete this sentence: I want to           your pussy."
1177 DATA "Tell me more about that."
1178 DATA "All I want is a horny redhead."
1179 DATA "Do you really give a flying fuck?"             
1180 DATA "Fuck this shit. Tell me about your sex fantasies."          
1181 DATA "What drugs are you on?"
1630 REM BOMBOUT SEQUENCE
1640 REM IF I$="HELP" THEN F$="SORRY, YOU'RE BEYOND HELP!":GOSUB 1670
1650 CALL SEND("HOWEIRD>", no, no, 15): F$ = "Bye-bye, " + CALLNAME$ + ".  Go fuck something." + CHR$(13) + CHR$(10): GOSUB 1670
1660 CLOSE
1665 CALL ExitDoor: REM CHAIN "ACBBS"
1670 REM TYPING SIMULATION SUBROUTINE
1675 GOSUB 4900: REM 'THINKING' DELAY
1677 BCNT = BCNT + 1: REM mistakes counter
1680 FOR X = 1 TO LEN(F$)
1690 GOSUB 8000: REM MISTAKE GENERATOR
1700 IF X / 11 = INT(X / 11) THEN GOSUB 1740 ELSE IF X / 3 = INT(X / 3) THEN GOSUB 1750 ELSE IF X / 7 = INT(X / 7) THEN GOSUB 1760 ELSE GOSUB 1770
1710 CALL SEND(MID$(F$, X, 1), no, no, 15)
1720 NEXT X
1730 RETURN
1735 REM ADDS TYPING-LIKE DELAYS (called from line 1700)
1740 FOR P = 1 TO 250: NEXT P: RETURN
1750 FOR P = 1 TO 125: NEXT P: RETURN
1760 FOR P = 1 TO 1000: NEXT P: RETURN
1770 FOR P = 1 TO 150: NEXT P: RETURN
1780 REM ************* SUBROUTINE TO INPUT  ***
1790 CALL Incomm(CALLNAME$ + ">", no, no, 15): Z1$ = UCASE$(ARG$): REM ARG$ is INcomm return string
1800 RETURN
2000 REM "THINKING" DELAYS
2010 XDLY = XDLY + 1: IF XDLY > 5 THEN XDLY = 1
2020 FOR X = 1 TO (XDLY * 100): NEXT X
2030 RETURN
4900 REM VARIABLE DELAY TIME FOR SYSOP'S RESPONSE
4910 REM GOSUB 7700: XS = VAL(RIGHT$(HS$, 1)): REM XS=1/100 SECONDS FROM THE CLOCK
4920 Z9 = 3 * 100
4930 FOR Z10 = 1 TO Z9: NEXT Z10
4940 RETURN
7700 RETURN: REM TICTOC FINDS THE TIME ON A TVI802H
7710 MN = PEEK(&HF995): HH = PEEK(&HF996): SS = PEEK(&HF994): HS = PEEK(&HF993)
7720 DD = PEEK(&HF997): MM = PEEK(&HF998): YY2 = PEEK(&HF999): YY1 = PEEK(&HF99A)
7730 HH$ = HEX$(HH): MN$ = HEX$(MN): SS$ = HEX$(SS): HS$ = HEX$(HS): IF LEN(MN$) = 1 THEN MN$ = "0" + MN$
7731 TIME$ = HEX$(HH) + ":" + MN$: DATE$ = HEX$(MM) + "/" + HEX$(DD)
7740 HHON = VAL(HHON$): HHOFF = VAL(HHOFF$): MNON = VAL(MNON$): MNOFF = VAL(MNOFF$)
7745 HHLFT = HHOFF - VAL(HEX$(HH))
7746 IF HHLFT < 0 THEN HHLFT = HHLFT + 24
7747 IF Time.left < 1 THEN 7830
7770 RETURN
7800 REM LOGOUT MESSAGE LOADER STARTS HERE
7830 IF Time.left < 5 THEN 7840 ELSE IF Time.left < 10 THEN 7850 ELSE IF Time.left < 15 THEN 7860 ELSE IF Time.left < 20 THEN 7870 ELSE 7880
7840 F$ = "Sorry, I can't hold it in any longer": CALL SEND("HOWEIRD>", no, no, 15): GOSUB 1670: CALL SEND("", no, yes, 15): GOTO 1650
7850 F$ = "Gotta go--the old lady is flashing her pussy in front of my nose": CALL SEND("HOWEIRD>", no, no, 15): GOSUB 1670: CALL SEND("", no, yes, 15): GOTO 1650
7860 F$ = "I can't beat off and type at the same time. Bye-bye": CALL SEND("HOWEIRD>", no, no, 15): GOSUB 1670: CALL SEND("", no, yes, 15): GOTO 1650
7870 F$ = "Enough, already!": CALL SEND("HOWEIRD>", no, no, 15): GOSUB 1670: CALL SEND("", no, yes, 15): GOTO 1650
7880 F$ = "I gotta go take a shit": CALL SEND("HOWEIRD>", no, no, 15): GOSUB 1670: CALL SEND("", no, yes, 15): GOTO 1650
7900 REM GREETINGS LOADER STARTS HERE
7905 REM CALL SEND("Security.level=" + STR$(VAL(Security.level$)), no, no, 2)
7910 IF Time.left > 30 THEN 7940
7930 REM IF VAL(Security.level$) < 30 THEN CALL SEND("Please don't call here anymore", no, Yes, 15): CALL ExitDoor
7935 IF Time.left > 25 AND TI < 2 THEN F$ = "Fuck, it looks like they'd let ANY motherfucker on this BBS " + CALLNAME$ + "? Getting any?": RETURN
7939 IF Time.left > 25 THEN F$ = "Know any bitch I can fuck, " + CALLNAME$ + "?": RETURN
7940 IF Time.left >= 25 THEN F$ = "Hi! Beating off again?": RETURN
7941 IF Time.left = 24 THEN F$ = "Are you male or female, " + CALLNAME$ + " ?": RETURN
7942 IF Time.left = 23 THEN F$ = "Is that a pickle in your pocket, or did you just fuck a gorilla," + CALLNAME$ + "?": RETURN
7943 IF Time.left = 22 THEN F$ = "Just bumming around, " + NA$ + "?": RETURN
7944 IF Time.left = 21 THEN F$ = "Don't you have anything better to do than stare at a computer screen?": RETURN
7945 IF Time.left = 20 THEN F$ = "If I was you, I'd be out partying!": RETURN
7946 IF Time.left = 19 THEN F$ = "So, " + NA$ + ", how bored ARE you?": RETURN
7947 IF Time.left = 18 THEN F$ = "Your fly's open.": RETURN
7948 IF Time.left = 17 THEN F$ = "What's your favorite kind of penis?": RETURN
7949 IF Time.left = 16 THEN F$ = "So how's your love life?": RETURN
7950 IF Time.left = 15 THEN F$ = "Do you do it with animals?": RETURN
7951 IF Time.left = 14 THEN F$ = "You know, you can get AIDS from Congress. Ask any page...": RETURN
7952 IF Time.left = 13 THEN F$ = "Shit. who let YOU in here?": RETURN
7953 IF Time.left = 12 THEN F$ = "How old were you when you lost your virginity?": RETURN
7954 IF Time.left = 11 THEN F$ = "Are you into virgins?": RETURN
7955 IF Time.left = 10 THEN F$ = "What's it take to get you into bed on a first date?": RETURN
7956 IF Time.left = 9 THEN F$ = "Wanna see my pecker?": RETURN
7957 IF Time.left = 8 THEN F$ = "Can I rip the clothes off and fuck the living Jesus out of your sister now?": RETURN
7958 IF Time.left = 7 THEN F$ = "How old were you before your momma stopped fondling your genitals in public?": RETURN
7959 IF Time.left = 6 THEN F$ = "What's your idea of a Good Time?": RETURN
7960 IF Time.left = 5 THEN F$ = "Hi, " + NA$ + ", I only have time for a quickie.": RETURN
7961 IF Time.left = 4 THEN F$ = "Tell me everything you know. You have 4 minutes.": RETURN
7962 IF Time.left = 3 THEN F$ = "If you start masturbating right now, you may get off before I log you out.": RETURN
7963 IF Time.left = 2 THEN F$ = "Are we having fun yet?": RETURN
7964 IF Time.left = 1 THEN F$ = "If you've got something to say, say it NOW!": RETURN
7965 IF Time.left = 0 THEN F$ = "Fuck off and shrivel up, " + CALLNAME$ + "!": RETURN
8000 REM MISTAKE GENERATOR
8005 fuck = fuck + 1: IF fuck = 7 THEN fuck = 0
8006 IF fuck = 2 OR fuck = 4 OR fuck = 6 THEN 8020
8007 IF fuck = 1 THEN 8010
8008 IF fuck = 0 THEN 8015
8009 IF fuck = 5 THEN 8017
8010 IF (X = 5 OR X = 15 OR X = 52) THEN 8030 ELSE 8020
8015 IF (X = 8 OR X = 20 OR X = 62) THEN 8050 ELSE 8020
8017 IF (X = 18 OR X = 23 OR X = 26) THEN 8030 ELSE 8020
8020 RETURN
8030 fuck$ = MID$(F$, X - 1, 3): GOSUB 1760:  REM long delay
8040 CALL SEND(fuck$, no, no, 15): GOSUB 1760: CALL BackSpaceToCol(X + 7): GOSUB 1760: CALL SEND(MID$(F$, X - 1, 1), no, no, 15): GOSUB 1760: CALL SEND(MID$(F$, X, 1), no, no, 15): X = X + 1: GOTO 8070
8050 fuck$ = MID$(F$, X - 1, 5): GOSUB 1760:  REM long delay
8060 CALL SEND(fuck$, no, no, 15): GOSUB 1760: CALL BackSpaceToCol(X + 8): GOSUB 1760: CALL SEND(MID$(F$, X - 1, 1), no, no, 15): GOSUB 1760: CALL SEND(MID$(F$, X, 1), no, no, 15): X = X + 1: GOTO 8070
8070 RETURN
9000 END
9999 RESUME NEXT