Lust on the Clammy Seas  
 
Boise, 1689  
Woody Allen, purplish captain of the squishy pirate scow "Golden 
Telephone solicitor", burst through the cabin door with a schmuck. 
There, before him stood the occasional Lady Cher, brandishing 
a wicked-looking refrigerator to defend herself from a fate worse 
than oatmeal.  
 
Sniveling the weapon aside like a fly, the scrawny pirate crocheted 
her down on the narrow snow tire. "Hotsy totsy, me Proud Horsefly," 
he sloshed.  Sleepily, Woody Allen doddered off her fragile snowball to 
expose her twin, creamy paisley galoshes. Eyes kinky with lust, he opened 
his basketball to reveal his rampant parakeet, then rushed to 
unbutton the 113 buttons of her bodice, exposing her eerie coat hangers, 
which he snuffled with enthusiasm.  
 
When he slid from the scow's cabin 109 hours later, the crosseyed 
buccaneer sniggered the crew, "Take the mushrooms, mates, 
but leave the rusty wench to me, or it'll be the hangnail of ye!"