**** The Song of the Knights of Camelot **** **** from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" **** **** transcribed from tape by **** **** Malcolm Dickinson '89 ( CLARINET@YALEVMX.BITNET ) 4/3/86 **** Launcelot: Look, my liege! (fanfare) Launcelot: Camelot! Robin: Camelot! Galahad: Camelot! Patsy: (whispered) It's only a model. Galahad: Shh! Arthur: Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride...to CAMELOT! song: We're knights of the round table, we dance whene're we're able. We do routines, and border scenes, with footwork imp-e-cable; We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and spamalot. We're knights of the round table, our shows are for-mid-able Though many times, we're given rhymes, that are quite un-sing-able We're not so bad in Camelot, we sing from the Dia-phragm alot! Though we're tough and able, Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable, Between our quests, we seek incest and impersonate Clark Gable, It's a busy life in Camelot: I have to push the pram-a-lot! Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *** Blessing from the Lord *** *** Monty Python and the Holy Grail *** ** transcribed from the memory of Malcolm Dickinson CLARINET@YALEVM 3/30/86 ** Bedevere: And that, my leige, is how we know the earth to be of a girly shapement. Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again, how sheep's bladders can be employed to prevent earthquakes. Bedevere: Oh, certainly, Sir. You see,... (Thunder) (the clouds open and a giant animated face is seen. It speaks:) God: Aaaarthur... Aarthur, King of the Britons... (the knights fall to their knees) God: Oh don't grovel! Arthur: Sorry, Lord... God: And DON'T apologize!! Every time I try to talk to somebody, its "I'm sorry" this and "forgive me" that and "I'm not *worthy*"... It's like those miserable Psalms--they're soooo depressing! Arthur: Yes, Lord. God: What're you doing now? Arthur: Averting my eyes, o Lord. God: Well KNOCK IT OFF! Arthur: Yes, Lord. God: Right. Arthur, King of the Britons, I have decided to set you a task as an example in these dark times. Arthur: Good idear, o Lord! God: (thunder) 'COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA! Now: this is the Holy Grail. (giant picture of a golden, jewel-encrusted grail appears in the sky) (heavenly music) Look well, Arthur: It is your mission to seek this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur: The Quest for the Holy Grail! (the clouds slam shut.) Arthur: A blessing! A blessing from the Lord! Lancelot: God be praised! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -----The Witch Scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail----- --- transcribed from memory by Malcolm Dickinson 3/25/86--- Villager: We have found a witch, may we burn her? Crowd: BURN!! BUUUURN HER! Bedevere: But how do you *know* she is a witch? Villager: She looks like one! Other Villagers: Yeah! She looks like one!!! Bedevere: Bring her forward. (a young woman is pushed through the crowd of villagers to the platform. She is dressed all in black, has a carrot tied around her face on top of her nose, and a black paper hat on her head. She talks funny because her nose is closed by the carrot.) Witch: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch! Bedevere: Er,...but you are dressed as one. Witch: THEY dressed me up like this. Villagers: No! nooo! We didn't! We didn't! Witch: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one! (Bedevere lifts up the carrot to reveal the woman's real nose, which is in fact rather small.) Bedevere: Well? One Villager: Well, we did do the nose. Bedevere: The nose? Villager: And the Hat. But she's a witch! Villagers: Yeah! Burn her! Burn! Burn her! B: Did you dress her up like this? Villagers: NO! No, no, no, no, no, no... One Villager: yes. Villagers: yes. yes. yes. A bit. yes. a bit. a bit. Another Villager: (hopefully) She has got a wart... B: What makes you think she is a witch? Villager: Well, She turned me into a newt!! (pause) Bedevere: a newt? (long pause) Villager: I got better... Villagers: BURN HER anyway! BURN! BURN! BURN HER! B: Quiet, quiet, quiet, QUIETA There are ways of *telling* whether she is a witch! Villagers: Are there? What? Tell us, then! Tell us! B: Tell me. What do you do with witches? V: BUUUURN!!!!! BUUUUUURRRRNN!!!!! You BURN them!!!! BURN!! B: And what do you burn apart from witches? Villager: More Witches! Other Villager: Wood. B: So. Why do witches burn? (long silence) (shuffling of feet by the villagers) Villager: (tentatively) Because they're made of.....wood? B: Goooood! Other Villagers: oh yeah... oh.... B: So. How do we tell whether she is made of wood? One Villager: Build a bridge out of 'er! B: Aah. But can you not also make bridges out of stone? Villagers: oh yeah. oh. umm... B: Does wood sink in water? One Villager: No! No, no, it floats! Other Villager: Throw her into the pond! Villagers: yaaaaaa! (when order is restored) B: What also floats in water? Villager: Bread! Another Villager: Apples! Another Villager: Uh...very small rocks! Another Villager: Cider! Another Villager: Uh...great gravy! Another Villager: Cherries! Another Villager: Mud! Another Villager: Churches! Churches! Another Villager: Lead! Lead! King Arthur: A Duck! Villagers: (in amazement) ooooooh! B: exACTly! B: (to a villager) So, *logically*... Villager: (very slowly, with pauses between each word) If...she...weighs the same as a duck......she's made of wood. B: and therefore... (pause) Villager: A Witch! All Villagers: A WITCH! (they do consequently weigh her across from a duck on Bedevere's largest scale, and she does indeed weigh the same as the duck.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** Brave and Bold Sir Robin -- his song **** Transcribed, expressly for the python collection at BBoard@Yalevmx **** from the memory of Malcolm Dickinson -- 4/6/86 ** The Tale of Sir Robin. ** So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels. Minstrel: song: Bravely bold Sir Robin Brought forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, Oh, brave Sir Robin! He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp. Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken! To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and his heart cut out, And his liver removed and his bowls unplugged, And his nostrils raked and his bottom burnt off, And his peni-- Robin: That's...That's, uh... That's enough music for now, lads. It looks like there's getting work afoot. Three headed knight: HALT!!! Voice over: YES!! It was the dreaded Three Headed Knight, the fiercest creature for *yards* around! For second.... after second..., Robin held his own, but the onslaught proved too much for the brave knight. Scarcely was his armor damp, when Robin suddenly, dramatically, changed his tactics! Minstrel: Robin: Brave Sir Robin ran away. No! Bravely ran away away.... I didn't! When Danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled No!! Yes brave Sir Robin turned about I didn't! And gallantly chickened out.. Bravely bravely bravely bravely I never did! Bravely bravely bravely bravely All lies! Bravely bravely brave Sir Robin! I never! Voice over: Meanwhile, King Arthur and Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *** The Tale of Sir Launcelot *** *** From Monty Python and the Holy Grail *** *** Laboriously plagiarized by Bret "zzzz...." Shefter *** on the tenth day of April in the year of our Bret 1986 *** Laboriously corrected by Malcolm Dickinson 10/30/86 THE TALE OF SIR LAUNCELOT As Sir Launcelot, the boldest and most expensive of the knights, lost his way in the Forest of Ewing, at nearby Swamp Castle, a celebration was underway. Setting: A small garret room in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle. The King and his son the Prince. King: (gesturing expansively out the window) One day, lad, *all* this will be yours. Son: What, the curtains? King: No, not the curtains, lad! All that you can see, stretched out over the 'ills and valleys of this land. That'll be your kindom, lad. Son: But, Mother... King: Father, lad, Father. Son: But, Father, I don't want any of that. King: Listen, lad: I built this kingdom up from nuthin'. When I started here, all of this was swamp! Other kings said it was *daft* to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em! It sank into the swamp. SO, I built a second one! That sank into the swamp. So I built a *third* one. That burned down, fell over, *then* sank into the swamp. But the fourth one......stayed up. And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the *strongest* castle in these islands. Son: But I don't want any of that! I'd rather... King: Rather what? Son: I'd rather...just...sing!...... King: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here! Now, listen, lad. In twenty minutes you're gettin' married to a girl whose father owns the biggest *tracts* of open land in England. Son: But I don't want land! King: Listen, Alex... Son: 'Erbert... King: 'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp! We need all the land we can get!! Son: But... but I don't *like* 'er! King: don't like 'er?!? What's wrong with 'er? She's... beautiful, she's... *rich*, she's got... HUGE............. tracts o' land... Son: Ah...ah know. But I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain...*special*...something... King: Cut that out!! Cut that out.... You're marryin' Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea! GUARDS!!! Make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im. Guard 1: Not to leave the room, even if you come and get 'im. Guard 2: *Hic* King: Nono.... *Until* I come and get him. Guard 1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. King: Nono, no... You *stay* in the room, and make sure *he* doesn't leave. Guard 1: And you'll come and get him. Guard 2: *Hic* King: Right. Guard 1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him, entering the room. King: Nono. *Leaving* the room. Guard 1: Leaving the room, yes. King: All right? Guard 1: 'Right. King: Right. Guard 1: Oh! If if if uhhhh.... if if uhhhhh.... If if if we...... King: Yes, what is it? Guard 1: Oh. I-if....... Oh.... King: Look, it's quite simple. Guard 1: Uh..... King: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right? Guard 2: *hic* Guard 1: Oh, I remember! Uhhhh, can he leave the room with us? King: No...nono, no. You just keep him in 'ere, and make sure... Guard 1: Oh yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he *had* to leave, and we *were* with him... King: nononono just KEEP HIM IN HERE Guard 1: ...Until you or anyone else... King: No, not anyone else, just me... Guard 1: ...Just you... Guard 2: *hic* King: Get back. Guard 1: Get back. King: All right? Guard 1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back. Guard 2: *hic* King: And, uh... make sure 'e doesn't leave. Guard 1: What? King: Make sure 'e doesn't leave! Guard 1: The prince?????? King: Yes, MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE... Guard 2: *hic* Guard 1: Oh, yes, of course!! I thought you meant him! You know, it seemed a bit daft me having to guard him when 'e's a guard... King: Is that clear? Guard 1: Oh, quite clear, no problems! Guard 2: *hic* King: Right. Where are *you* going? Guard 1: We're coming with you! King: Nono, I want you to *stay* here and MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE! Guard 1: Oh, I see, right! Son: but father... King: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on. AND NO SINGING! Guard 2: *hic* King: Oh, go and get a glass of water. (leaves) The Prince looks at the guards. They look at him. He smiles. They smile back. He gets a pen a paper out. He smiles at them. They smile back. He scribbles something on it very fast, not looking at it. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. The Prince gets a bow and arrow from the wall. He sticks the note on the arrow. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. He side-steps to the window. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. He shoots the arrow with the note out the window. He puts down the bow. He smiles at the guards. They smile back. Guard 2: *Hic* Meanwhile, at a nearby stream, Sir Launcelot approaches. We hear horse's hooves in the distance. Sir Launcelot appears, behind Concorde, who is banging two coconut halves together to make the noise of a horse. Launcelot: Ho! Well taken, Concorde! Steady there, boy! Concorde: (as he falls) Message for you, sir. (he falls) Launcelot: Concorde!! (spying the arrow) A note! "To whomever finds this note. Help. I am being held prisoner by my father who wishes me to marry *against my will*!! Please please please please rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle." A quest! A damsel in distress! Oh, Concorde, noble Concorde, you shall not have died in vain! Concorde: I'm not quite dead yet, sir! Launcelot: (a bit put off) Well...you shall not have been...mortally wounded in vain! Concorde: I think I could pull through, sir. Launcelot: (a bit more put off) Concorde, maybe you'd better stay here and rest a bit, eh? Concorde: Oh, I think I could come with you, sir... Launcelot: No, no, Concorde, brave soul, you shall stay here, and I...I shall undertake a perilous quest to win freedom for a maiden and eternal fame for myself. Farewell, Concorde!! Scene: The drawbridge of Swamp Castle. Two guards standing here looking very bored. Off in the distance, they see Launcelot running towards them waving his sword in the air. They look at each other, then back at Launcelot. They seem confused. He does not get any closer, though he he keeps running. The guards look at each other again. One taps his forehead. They lean on their pikes and idly watch Sir Launcelot still running towards them and getting nowhere. They look at each other. Suddenly Launcelot appears right next to them and runs them both through. They die, considerably surprised. Launcelot runs through the castle, slicing, dicing, grating, mincing, and otherwise generally killing the entire populace. He fights his way up to the Tower through the throngs of bewildered wedding guests. He reached the Tower and throws open the door. Guard 1: Hello! Urggh. Guard 2: *Hic* Launcelot: Milady, here kneels the humble Sir Launcelot of Camelot, Knight of the Round Table, and I stand ready to deliver you from-- Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Son: You got my note! Launcelot: Well, I got *a* note...let's not jump to conclusions... Son: I *knew* some one would read it and rescue me! I've got a rope all ready! Let's climb down! King: What's all this!?! Are you the one who killed all my guests? Son: He's come to rescue me! King: Shut your noise, you. Well, what about it? Launcelot: Well, I suppose I may have got...a bit... carried away with the moment... King: Carried away?!? Look, whoever you are, you not only ruined my wedding reception, and caused me great mental anguish, but you killed the bride's father and kicked the bride in the chest! Now what sort of behavior is that??? Who are you, anyway? Launcelot: Well, I am Sir Launcelot of King Arthur's Court, and I-- King: King Arthur?? King-of-England Arthur? And you're one of his Knights of the Round Table? Son: I'm ready, Sir Launcelot! Launcelot: Well...yes...and I'm awfully sorry about the fuss... King: Fuss? Nonsense!! Why, Sir Launcelot, consider yourself my honored guest, please! (quietly) Lots of land up by Camelot, eh? Launcelot: Well, I'm terribly sorry about killing all those people...and kicking the bride... Son: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! King: Don't worry about a thing, sir. Just come downstairs with me, will you? I want to introduce you to everyone. Launcelot: Well, thank you....Thank you very much... King: I won't be a minute, Sir Launcelot.... Son: (from outside) Are you coming, Sir Launcelot? Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! (thump) King: (liltingly) Coming, Sir Launcelot... Sir Launcelot goes down the stairs. Upon recognizing him as the one who caused all the damage, the remaining guests shout such things as, "There he is!" and, "He's the one!" and, "Get him!" Launcelot draws his sword and goes beserk again. King: Oh, bloody hell. Launcelot is at last subdued before causing too much damage, save only kicking the bride again, and the King prepares to make a speech. King: Ladies and gentlemen. This man whom you see beside me is my own honored friend, Sir Launcelot of Camelot. He has come all this way just to see my son married to Princess Lucky. Unfortunately, my son Herbert has just fallen to his death from the Tall Tower. (gasps) But, I like to think of myself, not as having lost a son, but as having gained a daughter. For, since the father of the bride perished in most untimely circumstances.... Voice: He's not quite dead yet.... King: (thrown) Er...since her father has come so close to death as to be considered dead... Voice: I think he's coming 'round! King: Since her father, who, when it seemed he was just on the verge of recovery, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him... (thump) Voice: He's kicked off! King: Right...I should like the Princess to think of me as her own Dad. In the firm and legally binding sense. And, as this is meant to be a wedding day, I would like to welcome Sir Launcelot into my family, and give him the hand of my new daughter in earnest token of my esteem for him and his title. Launcelot: Well, really, I must be going, I don't think-- King: Going? Nonsense! Why, how could you leave me at a time like this, so recently bereft of my only son? Concorde: He's not quite dead yet! (general reaction) King: Oh, bloody hell. Voice: But, how on earth did you survive the fall from the Tall Tower? Son: Well, I'll tell you... King: No! Wait! Stop that! Guests: He's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell! He's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell, he's going to tell! Concorde: Quick, sir, let's get out of here. This way. Launcelot: No, no. I need something more...more... Concorde: Dramatic, sir? Launcelot: Dramatic! Right! This bell pull will do... Launcelot: Err...could someone give me a push? **** The Knights Who Say "Ni!" **** **** From, of course, Monty Python and the Holy Grail **** **** Transcribed (from memory even!) by Malcolm Dickinson * **** on 4/6/86, and corrected to 99.9% accuracy on 10/20/86. **** **** Continued from ROBIN PYTHON .... Voice over: Meanwhile, King Arthur and Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Arthur: Who are you? Knight of Ni: We are the Knights who say..... "Ni"! Arthur: (horrified) No! Not the Knights who say "Ni"! Knight of Ni: The same. Other Knight of Ni: Who are we? Knight of Ni: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee-womm! Other Knight of Ni: Nee-womm! Arthur: (to Bedevere) Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! Knight of Ni: The knights who say "Ni" demand..... a sacrifice! Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods. Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Bedevere: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No! Knight of Ni: We shall say "Ni" to you... if you do not appease us. Arthur: Well what is it you want? Knight of Ni: We want..... (pregnant pause) A SHRUBBERY!!!! (minor music) Arthur: A *WHAT*? Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni! Arthur; No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery. Knight of Ni: You must return here with a shrubbery... or else you will never pass through this wood... alive. Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery. Knight of Ni: One that looks nice. Arthur: Of course! Knight of Ni: And not *too* expensive. Arthur; Yes! Knight of Ni: Noowwwww.... GO! (music) Arthur: O Knights of Ni. We have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now? Knight of Ni: Yes, it is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.... Arthur: What is that? Knight of Ni: We are now *no longer* the Knights Who Say "Ni"! Other Knights of Ni: Ni! Shh! Shh! Knight of Ni: We are now the Knights who say "Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang, zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringmm". Other Knight of Ni: Ni! Knight of Ni: Therefore, we must give you a test. Arthur: What is this test, o Knights of..... Knights who 'til recently said "Ni"? Knight of Ni: Firstly, you must find.... ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!! (minor music) Arthur: Oh not *another* shrubbery!! Knight of Ni: (excitedly) THEN... Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher, so we get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle. Other Knights of Ni: A path! A path! A path! Shh, shhh. Ni! Ni! Knight of Ni: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... Wiiiiiithh.... A HERRING! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** The Bridgekeeper Scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" **** **** Transcribed from memory by Bret Shefter '89 (SHEBREB@YALEVMX.BITNET) **** **** in yet another of his weird moods on 3/25/86 **** **** Revised to 99.314156% accuracy with the tape by **** **** Malcolm Dickinson '89 (CLARINET@YALEVMX.BITNET) on 12/1/86. **** Narrator: As the horrendous black beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack! The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for the Holy Grail could continue. ( Arthur and his knights are hacking their way through thick underbrush when suddenly... ) Arthur: There it is! The Bridge of Death! Robin: (in despair) Oh, great. Arthur: Look! There's the old man from Scene 24! Bedevere: What is he doing here? Arthur: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions-- Galahad: Three questions-- Arthur: Three questions. He who answers the five questions-- Galahad: Three questions-- Arthur: (perturbed) --three questions, may cross in safety. Robin: What if you get a question wrong? Arthur: Then you are cast...into the Gorge of Eternal Peril!!! Robin: Oh, I won't go! Galahad: Who's going to answer the questions? Arthur: Sir Robin! Robin: (suprised) Yes? Arthur: (continuing) Brave Sir Robin, you go. (pause) Robin: Hey...I've got a great idea! Why doesn't Launcelot go? Launcelot: Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take it singlehanded. (about to draw sword) I shall make a feint to the North-East, and then-- Arthur: No, no, no... hang on, hang on, hang on! *Just* answer the five questions-- Galahad: Three questions-- Arthur: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch. And pray. Launcelot: (sheathing sword) I understand, my liege. Arthur: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot! God be with you! (Launcelot approaches the bridge. Suddenly, the BRIDGEKEEPER speaks. ) Bridgekeeper: STOP! Who would cross the Bridge of Death Must answer me These questions three Ere the other side he see. Launcelot: (stoically) Ask me your questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid! Bridgekeeper: What...is your name? Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot. Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest? Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail. Bridgekeeper: What...is your favorite color? Lancelot: Blue. Bridgekeeper: Right, off you go. (pause) Lancelot: (realizing that was it) Oh, thank you. Thank you very much! (and off he goes. The knights look at each other.) Robin: That's EASY!!! (A mad rush for the bridge. Robin arrives first. The knights cluster behind. A few sniff and wrinkle their noses, and the group backs off.) Bridgekeeper: STOP! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death Must answer me These questions three Ere the other side he see. Robin: (excitedly) Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper, I am not afraid. Bridgekeeper: What...is your name? Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot. Bridgekeeper: What...is you quest? Robin: To seek the Holy Grail! Bridgekeeper: What...is the capital of Assyria? (pause) Robin: (indignant) I don't know THAT!! (An unseen force whisks him up and over the side.) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (The knights pause, realizing this may be a bit tougher than all that.) **** Note: The following bit was cut from the movie. **** Bedevere: What shall we do, sire? Arthur: Well, I'm not sure, but... Bridgekeeper: (off) What...goes black, white, black, white, black, white? Sir Gawain: (off) Uh...er...ah...Babylon? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! **** Movie resumes. **** ( Galahad approaches the bridge. ) Bridgekeeper: STOP! What...is your name? Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot! Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest? Galahad: I seek the Grail. Bridgekeeper: What...is your favorite color? Galahad: (relieved) Blue! (starts across; oops) No! YELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!! (Arthur steps forward... the Bridgekeeper chuckles.) Bridgekeeper: STOP! Bridgekeeper: What...is *your* name? Arthur: It is Arthur, King of the Britons! Bridgekeeper: What...is your quest? Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail! Bridgekeeper: What...is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? Arthur: (brief pause) What do you mean, an African or European swallow? Bridgekeeper: (confused) Huh? What? I...I don't know that... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGHHHHHHH! Arthur crosses the bridge. Bedevere: (crossing behind Arthur) How do you know so much about swallows? Arthur: Well, you have to know these sorts of things when you're a king, you know... **** Note: The following bit was *also* cut from the movie. **** (Arthur and Bedevere approach a gigantic lake. A boat in the shape of a dragon glides slowly towards them. As they prepare to cross, the same old man suddenly appears before them.) Boat-keeper: STOP! He who would cross the Sea of Fate Must answer me these questions twenty-eight! (Arthur and Bedevere look at each other. They look at the old man. They look back at each other. They pick the old man up, throw him in the water, and board the ship.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **** The Holy Hand-Grenade **** from Monty Python and the Holy Grail **** Transcribed from left-over electical impulses in the brain cells of **** Malcolm Dickinson **** Finished up by Bret "Eat at Joe's" Shefter *** The Holy Hand Grenade *** The knights rush into a cave, huffing and puffing, to take cover from the vicious onslaught of the Killer Rabbit. Arthur: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!! Bedevere: Okay, how many did we lose? Arthur: Well...Gawain...Ector...and Bors. That's five. Bedevere: Three, Sire! Arthur: Three. And we can't risk another try, that rabbit's dynamite! All: Hmmmm.. Robin: Maybe if we attack it, it will get confused, and make a mistake! (pause) Arthur: Like what? (longer pause) Robin: Ummmm.... Lancelot: Have we got birds? Arthur: (quickly) No. Galahad: (brightly) We *have* the Holy Hand Grenade, Sir! Arthur: Of course! 'Tis one of the sacred relics that Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring out the Holy Hand Grenade! Monks: (Chant) Die Jesu domine, Dona eis requiem. Die Jesu domine, Dona eis requiem. (Pause. Arthur examines the hand grenade, turning it over in his hands.) Arthur: How does it....How does it work? High Priest: I know not, my leige. Arthur: Consult the book of Armaments! High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven: Brother Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and lima bean- High Priest: Skip a bit, brother. Brother Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade to-wards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen. All: Amen. Arthur: Right! (pulls pin) One! Two! Five! Bedevere: Three, Sire!! Arthur: Three! (throws hand grenade at the Killer Rabbit) (holy music) KABOOM.